Do we choose our attractions, orientations, kinks and fetishes? Or are they all involuntary, waiting to take over our hearts, minds and bodies when those “special sombodies” (or somethings) who suit our inborn requirements enter our lives?

In the course of debating same-sex marriage there is this one strange question that keeps coming up: the question of whether homosexuality is inborn or a conscious choice. But the matter of orientation really isn’t yet another interesting conundrum in the ancient, but still unresolved, “nature versus nurture” debate. We are asking the wrong question.

I submit that the problem isn’t a lack of a definitive answer to the question of orientation being the result of heredity or environment, but with the question itself, which assumes that our base needs and desires have something to do with our character and temperament, when they are actually a part of our primal instincts.

By definition, all heterosexuals are attracted to members of the opposite sex and we call this orientation. However, attraction is not a simple matter of gender because each of us has a unique set of — and, for some people, very specific — archetypes which we find attractive. But wait, it doesn’t stop there because both within and outside of the realm of archtypes we also have our various kinks and fetishes.

Of course, some people think that they have no kinks or fetishes, but it doesn’t mean that they do not actually have any, only that their kinks and fetishes are so common as to not be recognized in terms whose definitions are often perceived to describe only those fetishes and kinks which are uncommon.

Since all of this is true of heterosexuals it is only logical to deduct that, among homosexuals, each has his or her own unique set of attractions and subset of kinks and fetishes. Therefore, sexual orientation is the broader part of the primal instinct of attraction, which is not a matter of choice.

It is difficult for many people to admit, even to themselves, that sexual orientations and attractions are instinctual and that free will only comes into the picture after the fact, when we make a conscious choice to act or not act upon our desires (this is the point at which character and temperament come into play). People who feel uncomfortable with this reality often use the common defense mechanism of oversimplification to convince themselves that unconscious instinct and subsequent conscious choice are one and the same, which is all well and fine until such people selfishly expect others to form the same mental constructs with regard to instinct and choice.